I admit. I am still in the closet.

If there is one thing that I am still in the closet about, then it is that I like to play computer games!

Of all things in life, then this is one of those that I really don’t like to mention or admit that I do. Well unless someone drag it out of me, or ask me why there is a controller hidden under my coffee table.

Yes, I like to play games – Once in a while.

It is not that as soon as I get home from work, that it then turn on the Xbox and begin to shoot some aliens. Not that often anyway.

But what is there about it that I don’t really feel that I can be open about it?

I mean if I look at the statistics, then I am in the middle of the demographics.

40% of gamers is women (source from ISFE) – so yes that means that there is a very high chance that the one who just killed you in Call Of Duty could in fact have been a woman. Hah!

I am by the way an horrible Call Of Duty player myself and usually die before I get to look around, or when I stopped running because I wanted to look at the nicely done buildings and scenery. Not something that is advisable to do if you want to win in it.

1 out of 5 women play console games (source from ISFE). So what is there to feel ashamed or shy about?

I play a lot of games with my nieces and nephews when they are here or when I visit the family. Yes, I actually think Hayday or Subway Surfers are just as good computer games as large budget titles that you can get to the consoles are. So as long as they are engaged with them then I am going to have an interest in what it is they are playing and try to engage them in their own environments.

Something that I feel is a lot of fun, and I can see that they equally think it is kind a cool that their (maybe rather odd, but still cool) aunt don’t mind playing game with them.

As I said I am not really that good an Call Of Duty player, first person shooter games is not really my favourite. I can play them, but I don’t react fast enough to be a challenge to many. Besides I tend to get sidetracked when I begin to look at the designs and the fantastic art there are in many games.

I prefer games where I get to think about what to do. So I like games like Civilization, XCom Enemy Unknown and so on and were a massive fan of Diablo 2 that I played and still occasionally play with my Nephews and Nieces. Baldurs Gate, and the others in that series, and play SIMS with the nieces as well – and they can really go on and on about that game if I let them talk about it for too long.

The boys are now more into GTA, where I try to not answer my 6 yr old nephews questions about strip bars in that game….. I tell you that boy surely is going to have a breast fetish when he grows up.

Well, like father, like son so nothing surprising about that.

But it is really fun and entertaining to see how they interact with these games.

I have for the last months been deep into Alien Isolation and holy crap that game scared me so much that I could only play for maybe 10-15 minutes at a time where I practically stayed under the same table in the game for the whole duration that day, while the Alien kept stomping around the medical centre, until I turned off the game again because I couldn’t take it any longer.

First and only game that I had to play with practically a pillow in front of my face.

I finally completed the game and is going to play it again soon – or one day.

Loved the game.  Hated the ending.

Ever since I for the first time watched Alien at an way, way, way too young age, then I have been a massive fan about the series – just ask my 3 cats. Ripley, Newt and Jonesy about that.

No I don’t have any cats any longer. 2 died of old age and one were drowned by an neighbour, that crazy dick. So it’s been some years since I had cats now.

Ya ya I thought I were oh so original but later realized that several others have had the same ideas about cat names as me.

Big fan of the Alien universe – and kickass Ripley.

Sigourney Weaver is for more than one reason an amazing icon to me.

So being able to play a game that were that deep and detailed about the Alien universe were an amazing experience to me, and I would have loved to just run around and press buttons and look at all the details that reminded me about the future seen from an 1980’s design style.

By the way. One day I am going to jump out of the closet in Alien Isolation, stomp hard on the Aliens tail and then jump into the closet to hide again. Just to see what is going to happen – but I guess I already know that.

But, besides that horrible game, then I usually prefer games that I can pause and have time to think about what to do next and strategize about. This is the games I like to play. First person shooter games where you have to be super on all the time is not really my cup of tea and with these I very much prefer to sit and see others play, compared to being the one who is engrossed in the games – in that way I will have time to study the amazing environments and graphics much better too.

But for all there is too it, then I am actually emotionally an closeted computer player, and not something that I openly admit to others that I do or “once in a while” like to do.

Or, if my co-workers ask me why I look so tired? Then my answer more often will be “Oh I read a book and time got away from me.”, instead of admitting that I might have spend a few hours playing a game before going to bed the day before.

 

(originally written as a commission piece)

13 Thoughts Only Lesbians Will Understand – said by a German!

Do you know how hard it is NOT to make any lists on my own?

But thanks to the internet then I don’t really have to, I just link to someone else who stole my thoughts or simply said the same that I wanted to say but came up with them earlier than I did.

When I started this blog, I made a rule that I did not want to make any lists whatsoever and post them here on my blog.

It is a really, really difficult rule to follow because I make lists (besides shopping lists) in my head all the time! – and some of them actually should have been on this blog. You know lists like “Top 10 women I have seen today who should be gay.” and so on.

Anyway, my most recent follower, is a German (ironic Italics) Barcelonian (I firmly believe that is a word) who once in a while make YouTube videos, and she made this list that everyone can relate to.

Okay, I really object to the one about male teenagers, but else…

See for yourself.

By the way. I only got ONE flannel shirt in my closet, and haven’t used it in ages.

Speaking of German, I once had some really interesting talks with a German woman whom I meet on OKCupid (yes I had a profile there..), and she told me that Munich did not have any lesbian cafes or clubs and she didn’t think there really were any in Germany?? Huh? How can that be?? Is that true?

 

My gaydar is completely driven by alcohol

When I get drunk, two things happen :

1) I fall
A successful night out is not complete without abrasions on the knees. I do not recall that I fell so much when I was younger. But I am also in heels now.

2) My gaydar goes crazy – or it just gets stuck on gay.
Everyone is gay.  It’s crazy. And bordering on embarrassing (as opposed to stumble around with abrasions on my knees)

Late in the evening I always find some poor inadvertently hetero girl, like a nice gorgeous one (read: one I could have had the urge to… , if I weren’t in a monogamous relationship, or in a current messed emotional up state, or whatever..). But then I begin to explain to her that she is a lesbian. And notice: I don’t tell her that I think that she is a lesbian, and I don’t ask prying open questions whether she ever thought that she might be lesbian?

No. I tell her that she is a lesbian.

Period.

The delicious lady typically replies politely and politically correct that she has never been with girls, let alone thought about it, but she obviously is not outright dismissive of the possibility that the modern civilized human being that she is.

Or she says, “Arrrrhhj, I don’t believe that I am” To which I reply, “Oh yes you are. It is so obvious.” and so on.

I can be pretty convincing at times and I seem to have initiated a few sexual crises here and there. But what to do for the sake of humanity – right?

Poor things, they get so confused sometimes.

Something about personal choice …

Ugh. I want to touch on something controversial – namely the extent to which if it is a personal choice to be gay.

It can be difficult to explain to those of my lesbian friends and especially my amazing and beloved who in a period of her life wished to fit in (the famous young teenage years), and where they wished they had been ordinary heterosexual adolescents.

I had my first lesbian experience after a failed heterosexual relationship and countless trivial straight one nighters, thought it was time to try something new and daring. I was in my 20’s, if I remember it correctly, and was roaming the roads with my favorite gay, let’s call him M., where I uttered the oh so memorable words, “Tonight I’ll score a girl.”

I am privileged because I had a set of friends who are almost the exact opposite of conservative. I remember that my best friend at that time asked me – in the middle of one of my inconsolable weeping sessions at the age of 16 and (almost) never been kissed – that maybe I might just be lesbian?

At the time I laughed about it, mockingly, because how could my best friend, my soul mate and daughter of a well known pastor believe that about me! I can’t be a Lesbian?? “I’m going to be a Doctor, so I can’t be a lesbian” was my reason. My mom decided or wanted, that I should become a Doctor like her and at 16 I was not going to cross my mom on something this important, so it would take me a few more years to finally cross my mom on what I should be studying. But since that day I have been thinking how spacious it actually was of her, my best friend at the time. She only wanted to signal that it would be okay if I was gay, and there would be room in her for me no matter what I turned out to like.

Well. But back to the street, that autumn night . With numerous gay friends it was obvious to also explore that side of me and it didn’t seem to be that kind of a strange thing to try out. So then when I met one of M.’s peripheral acquaintances, a woman who oddly enough was in town on exactly the same mission. She was nice and sweet – albeit young, 18 years old and thighs thin as chopsticks, so it did not last long before there were both kisses and fumbling from both of us. I went home alone that night, but still remember the feelings in my body when I woke up in the morning where I was one big :

“Why did I not think of that before? ”

It felt so right. As if I had finally allowed myself to follow my desires. From there it did not take long before I had created a profile on “OHLALALALAH”.com, and went out on a few dates, some more successful than others .

I remember my first trip to Carrefour after that amazing evening. Thinking “Omg!? Am I standing closer to this hottie than I would have before last night”, “I am staring at her body. Quickly look away!!” and “Did I really stare openly at…”.  I was simply on a rainbow colored cloud packed with unicorns and didn’t know how to get off.

For me it was very much a choice to be gay. This led to a lot of uncertainty in the beginning – because the choice was heavy on my shoulders and not something that I could share with my parents or siblings. But after going through a few years of steady relationships with a gorgeous woman, then nothing could be farther away from my mind than to be with a man and even when I am single, I have no remote desire to have sex with a man. None at all, really.

Even though it initially was a choice , the excitement it aroused in me to touch my (new) girlfriend’s body, can in no way be described as a choice. It is a primal desire that I have never experienced with a man.

So was it a choice or not? Well, there will probably be more posts about this topic in the future.