I haven’t been even near the blog for months now and surprise, surprise, it seems like everyone else have when I took a look at the statistics for the blog yesterday.
In the last couple of months I have battled with a depression that began when I got a cancer misdiagnose, that later turned out not to be cancer (felt like I dodged a bullet there) but literally a tiny tip of a feather that got stuck in the tear duct and caused a major infection that made one side of my face swell up to an unbelievable size and made me look like a victim of domestic abuse, that not even a pair of oversized sunglasses could cover.
My dad passed away from cancer, so whenever I hear the dreaded C word then I tend to go in a full panic mode.
On top of that, the infection caused me so much pain that I could not look at a computer or a TV screen, I could not handle bright sun light for a longer period of time, my eye kept running and it felt like it were about to pop out of its socket any time I moved my head, so if I didn’t hide in my bedroom screaming into my pillow from the pain, then I popped painkillers like there were no tomorrow and then having to deal with a doctor who didn’t take my feedback seriously on top of it, that were simply everything that I could take and everything that my world for a while consisted about.
I haven’t been working since July, and the earliest that I will be back to work will be in January as I have just gone from extended sick leave to a leave of absence that will last until end of December.
Things have changed for me now. Life have changed. I have gone from being a miss 60++ hours workaholic, travel all over the world power woman who felt that she at least had some parts of her life figured out, to a stay and nest at home while she neglect her obsessive running schedule person, who have no idea who she is any longer and if she really wants to go back to the insane crazy work life.
Say hello identity crisis.
At the moment I really don’t know if I want to go back to my old work. I don’t really know what I want any longer. Well, yes great mind blowing sex with miss hotness would be much appreciated, but other than that then what??? I am not suited for the lesbian equivalent of a tai tai life. Yes I want children, but don’t really feel or know if I am that suited for motherhood. I can’t stand the idea and thought of mundane and ordinary repetitive days, but then here I am.
I am slowly going back to running and made a plan to run in all the parks around the pink dot here.
I can stand looking at myself in the mirror again, but that tiny microscopic scar from the surgery that sometimes feel 10 km long when I stare at it still tend to challenge me and remind me about the last months in darkness.
I also managed to kill all my plants by the way.
Blogging will be on and off when I feel like it. I did go to an interesting event that I would like to write about here, but don’t really know when I will be able to write it down so it might come this weekend, or this week.