Uh!

I arrived and ended up running around myself for a few days and even tried to live without internet because I told my brother to cancel the cable that also included the internet when I didn’t know when I would return home. But  now when I finally returned home. PANIC!! NO INTERNET!!

Urgh!

I had to disable internet access from the Singapore handphone a few months ago after it got hacked, and the IT guys found traces of monitoring software (or something like that) from a company called Hacking Team. It made everyone other than me really excited, especially my employer were quite pissed.

My computer is now loaded with a crazy amount of security software and I have been equipped with a more than usual secured phone for my singapore number that I only can install “pre-approved”apps on. Think I am going to mess with the IT dep and ask them to install grindr for me just to see how they are going to react to that ha ha.

Nah I tried quite a lot of dating apps, but meh. I tried Qrushr, Brenda, Grindr, Tindr, Fridae, PinkSofa, OKCupid, Her/Dattch and lots of others in the past. But most didn’t really work for me, although I did get my 5 minutes fame for being the one with the longest lesbian OKCupid profile and even got a marriage proposal from a HK gay guy on Fridae.

Nah.

Oh actually… Her formerly known as Dattch is getting interesting, just not there yet, but is kind of a Pinterest/Dating/Socializing app that is worth noticing and could be the one that might end up dominating the online lesbian dating scene in a few years time. It is not yet available in Singapore like many other places. My siblings even discussed if we should invest in it, but I ended up being the skeptical one. It is still interesting though.

Anyway, I suddenly had a lot of time to do my writing after I cleaned up the apartment since I could only get WIFI from the pool / recreational area downstairs.

When I came home it had an “odd”, “did someone die in here?” smell that I just needed to get rid of before I could feel comfortable again. Ya, ya. I had a sudden impulse of going cleaning crazy and don’t think that the apartment have been this clean since I moved in.

The smell is gone, or maybe it is just because I emptied a bottle of perfume everywhere that I could think about so any odd smells there might be is getting overpowered by my perfume for now.

Oh yes, my going “cleaning crazy” also had something to do with that I found a dead cockroach in the kitchen that initially had me see scenes from the old movie The Mummy – you know one of these scenes where bugs came running out of every crack in the wall, and well, everywhere!

I ended up writing about 8 pages about the first days/hours in Singapore that I am wondering if I should post or not. Okay maybe I will do after I have edited out the parts that is NSFW or not safe for the world to see at all. You know sometimes I just hit the keyboard without realizing what I am writing and then afterwards wonder what in the world I were thinking about and why I even dared to write these thoughts down at all….

Makes you wonder right??

 

Oh and who would have expected that I really missed bao so much?? I walked past a stall and then suddenly realized how long it have been since I last had one, so just-had-to-buy-one!

I see food that I need to eat everywhere I look these days.

 

On going home

I haven’t been home in ages and finally it is time to go home.

You know, it is funny. I haven’t been home for quite a while, but no matter how long I stay away from Singapore, then I always think about it as home and that I am a “guest” anywhere else. Something that is kind a nuts since I am spending more time away than home at the moment.

I love my very neglected apartment with all the semi dead plants. My couch! Kitchen and my bed!! I don’t really know what it is about my bedroom, but if it were up to me, then I could spend a day in the bed just making “snow angels” if that is generally accepted to do in your own bed?

But I don’t know. There is just something about my bedroom that screams “security” and “cozy” to me. So ya. I could easily spend a day in it with a book, the largest bowl (a cup would not be acceptable) of tea and plenty of biscuits and cupcakes.

Then I would probably freak out and go run for several hours and exercise like crazy to get rid of all the calories that I gained there.

I spend yesterday closing down the apartment here, going over to my sister with the content of my fridge and some of what needed to be consumed from the freezer. Yes, the durian ice cream lasted something in the area of 4½ minute before the little monsters screamed “charge!!” with spoons in their hands and jumped it like they haven’t had food – or ice cream – in ages. But I guess for children who haven’t had ice cream in the last 24-48 hours, then I guess that actually counts as “ages”. Right?

I got a call from SPH with another job offer to come back and work for them. Their fifth offer this year, and my fifth rejection as well. Think that also counted as the 18th offer to return home and work for a company in Singapore. Some parts of me would love to return home, but I also know that with the media laws we have then I would die a slow and agonizing death.

Besides I don’t really think that any of the employers know what it would mean to employ someone who would screamingly refuse to be dragged back into the closet, just so they on paper could comply with some crazy ass laws.

But I would actually love to disrupt the Singapore media scene and go do all the human interest stories that never get to see the light of day there, just because they didn’t vote for the right party, or is not part of the million dollar club that everyone seems to be amazed about. The sad thing is that interesting and fascinating people is not the ones who can show a facade of success or got tons of paper money locked away in a boring property or bank account and didn’t take the “right” education. No, the interesting people are the odd ones, the crazy ones who dares to think differently and dare to challenge the norms. All in all everything that the general public think is messy because they don’t comply with the Singaporean group thinking of what is “right”.

So nah, I will continue to yoyo between my two homes no matter how messy it makes me and my life.

I can’t help feeling the butterflies in my belly, after I shut down the electricity to the fridge, unplugged all the other electrical appliances in the bedroom and living room. Closed the blinds and made up the apartment, so it looked (semi) clean for when I would return again. But still seeing the apartment shut down like this makes me… You know kind of nervous and excited because I am finally going home again.

Gosh I hope there will be a hot and preferably lesbian flight attendant on my SIA flight that I can secretly swoon over.

How would you answer these questions?

As the self established go-to lesbian guru of all things Singaporean lesbian, I were back in July (might have been June) contacted by a student from Monsters Under The Bed (www.mutb.com.sg) who were writing an essay about homosexuality and asked me if I could help her with the following questions:

1. Have you heard about the legalization of gay marriage in United States? If so, what are you opinions on it?

2. What do you think the consequences are of the legalization of gay marriage in the States / how have people reacted to it?

3. What are the advantages / disadvantages of legalizing gay marriage?

4. Why do you think there isn’t any country in Asia that has legalized gay marriage? Do you think they should?

5. If the Singapore government legalized gay marriage, what do you think the consequences would be?

6. Would you recommend the legalization of gay marriage in Singapore? Why or why not?

How would you answer them?

 

I have to admit that when I first got the email, I wondered if it were genuine and serious. Even S… said that this might be a scam of some sort but I looked into it, and yes sure there were a school called Monsters Under The Bed, and yes, the teacher who were CC on the email were real enough too, so I replied to them both that I would be more than happy to help and that she could ask me about everything and anything that she needed answers to.

While communicating with her, I realized that I never really thought much about who read my blog. How old my readers were and who they are. I mean the genuine ones that didn’t find my blog after googling for “Naked lesbian panties Singapore”, or something much worse than that.

I am really amazed about what people Google for and guess that I somehow have been sheltering myself from the sick things that people use the internet for.

But after communicating with her and a few others who have written me over the last months, then I came to the realization that many of my readers are 14-17 years old and are having troubles getting information about their sexuality when they genuinely are looking for answers, because the world around them is not able to or willing to help them when they have questions about homosexuality and why they have strong romantic feelings for someone of their own sex.

In the last month I got two more emails from young Singaporeans who are confused about their sexuality or is quite certain about their sexuality but is scared that their relatives and peers are going to find out about them.

I get about 2 to 3 emails a month from girls or women who are in the closet and are reaching out for contact because they need someone to share their feelings with. To most outsiders this might not be many, but it is unfortunately only a single drop in the large sea of closeted women in Singapore, who is scared to reveal their feelings and sexuality to anyone, and today I got yet another one.

They all tell the same story.

They are scared or confused and they have no one to really share their feelings with. But they all long for someone to share and connect with.

To tell them what to do, to help and guide them with their questions. Most of them just need to hear that it is more than okay to have these feelings, and that there is nothing wrong with them.

It makes me sad and it also makes me angry that it is not possible for them to go to the people that they love and trust when they have questions like this, and I want to give everyone a big hug and say that it is scary right now, but things will and can be better.

But the reality is that Singapore is just not a nice place to realize that you are gay and different from those around you. The government is not interested to deal with it. The school system is not equipped to deal with it. The teachers – or most of them freak out if a student try to reach out to them because they need help to deal with their emotions. A few, very few teachers give these children the support they need, but while doing so, they risk their career and could end up on the chopping block for being a decent human being. The religious community in Singapore not only freak out, they will most likely try to do an exorcism on those who reach out for help, and then they will out them and freak out some more.

And Singapore is a country where religion are strong and have too much to say in general.

The social system in Singapore is horrible when it comes to helping young adults who have questions about their sexuality and emotions.

But every month someone new reach out and ask a stranger on the internet for advice on how to deal with life because they are gay and can’t tell anyone close to them about it.

Girls, ladies, women. Remember you are NOT alone in life. You are not alone in Singapore, and you all deserve a big, big hug.

 

 

Are you still there?

I got a few letters from new and old followers asking if I were still blogging? And the answer to that is a “YES!” Yes, I am still working on the blog, but just had a crazy month where I had no time at all. Had too much work,  had to survive a lesbian dinner with 18 guests that I hosted in my home – and because I am miss perfect in some ways, then I ended up stressing myself like crazy over the dinner, so I ended up  sick for a week after.

Nahhh. I didn’t get sick of the dinner. We had in the office a flu like bronchitis-ish disease sweeping through everyone and it were my turn as the last one to get it! And then on the day where I had to host my dinner!!! grrrr I mean what?? Why?? Why that day??! Faint!

But success! The food were nice, I felt it were acceptable and everyone loved it like crazy.

Even my evil nemesis aka “you can’t be a real lesbian because you like the Room In Rome movie” from the local bar turned up and she even told to my face that she liked my food!  I think the world stopped spinning for a second there.

I made Green Curry Chicken, with a small salad and bread, and made Coconut ice-cream as desert. S… dared me to serve them Durian ice-cream, but I chickened out in the end.  I mean oh the horror it would have been if someone actually complained about my food.

Right?

Turns out that I can take a lot of things, but the thought of someone who didn’t like my food or didn’t feel entertained at my home is actually much, much worse than the idea of someone who don’t approve of my sexuality.

Who would have thought that?

I am a recent member in a lesbian dinner group, where those who can make it meet once a month – or so – at each other’s homes where they usually make dinner together as well as help with the cleaning and entertainment afterwards (strong alcoholic drinks, coffee  tea, lots of cakes and chitchatting).

It is also a very nice way to meet other women like this because not only do you get to experience their table manners, you also get to see how they act without being too drunk and in homely setting and so. So quite a few couples have come out of this 8 year old dinner event here.

Usually it is only 7-8 women of very different ages who show up each time, but someone “accidentally” forgot to mention to me that August is the month where everyone suddenly have time to join, so I got tricked to host it in August, that usually is the hardest month to get someone to host.

As the currently only non white woman in the group, then I guess there were some curiosity to see how the hot girl (if I can’t compliment myself, then who can??) with the slanted eyes lived as well.

I ended up making the food on my own. Mainly because I wanted it to-be-just-right, and the thought of that someone might end up ruining my signature dish didn’t sit well with my ego. Green Curry Chicken, is crazy easy to make, and is one of the better dishes to make when you want to impress “miss next girlfriend who is coming for dinner”.

I don’t know what it is with lesbians and kitchens? and cooking in general? But it seems like to me that kitchens in lesbian homes is just something that should to be used as little as humanly possibly, and generally is only good for making brownies in. Or at least it seems so to me when I am talking to the ladies around me.

Okay, my small group of lesbian friends is not representatives of every lesbian and lesbian couples on planet earth, but it is scary how many times my friends cycle through their 5-6 standard dishes over the year when they are making food on their own.

I LOVE MY KITCHEN

I am absolutely the one who is talking most about food. But that could just as well be my Singaporean genes who fiercely demands that I talk about food at least 8 times a day, or there is something horribly wrong with me.

I enjoy my kitchen and making food. Well, when I can decide what to make. I get crazy cranky if someone tell me what to do in a kitchen, or end up telling me how to chop, or do things in a kitchen, or try to correct the way I do things there. It is either my way or no way.

The idea of ending up as the typical “Noe Valley” stay at home lesbian mom is crazy scary to me.

Noe Valley is a suburb in San Francisco. We used to joke back in uni when I studied in San Francisco that the worst nightmare would be to end up getting married to someone who really did the whole corporate ladder career to the max and then decide that you had to stay at home and look after the typical million dollar house, make sure that it were spotless, give birth, raise 2 spoiled children and get the lesbian dogs properly trained while she went power tripping around the world.

In short a Noe Valley lesbian is a Lesbian Tai tai.

Turned out that that was exactly what one of my roommates ended up doing with a double master degree, and being the smartest woman that I have ever known. She ended up as a token femme lesbian wife who get unhappy and emotionally upset if she can’t get the things that she is looking for at the famers market and need to settle with non organic items instead.

Unbelieveable!

Sidetracked for a bit.

So yes, I like my kitchen. I like doing and making things in it, and think that well, besides my bed, then the kitchen is the most cozy place to just hang out in I feel. And NO I don’t invite random strangers to “hang” out in my bed and bedroom.

Ugh. I wanted to make a point with the whole Noe Valley comment, but then I forgot what it was that I wanted to say?!

….

Oh yes, now I remember.

I like doing kitchen and homely things, but only to a certain degree because as much as I like to do, you know, the whole femme lesbian cave with scented candles, pillows ,pride art everywhere, home ID and so, then I love to work even more, so my cooking end up as experimental and challenging as long as they stay uncomplicated and in the end are very easy to do.

But it is actually nice to get someone home and then make dinner with someone….. Lesbian dating tip #3. Don’t go out and eat. Invite miss sexy home and then tell her that you two are going to make dinner together while you chit chat. Go out and shop together, then chop and cook as well. Preferably over a glass of something.

Works every time… Most of the time… Okay sometimes…, and if you get too busy with something else (hm), then order pizza afterwards and hope to reheat the day after.

Okay, this post took me a whole other place than where I wanted to go to, so I am going to start over in a while – or tomorrow and then try again. But no. I am not giving up and will still be posting. So don’t you worry. I am here and I will continue writing.