If she is in the closet, then you are in the closet. Or are you?

Dating a closeted is hard work.

I mean can you hold hands in public? Do you need to think about when to show affection? When are you able to call her dear or darling in public? Are you up to date with all her relatives, friends and co-workers so you can take one step away from each other when you happen to bump into one of them, when you are shopping for cheap wine together at 2am?

So, you just met (the new) miss perfect. Rainbows are brighter, you can ignore strangers or friends kids when they want to be picked up by you just because  you feel so damn giddy inside of yourself. You can smile to the world. You can even smile to the ones who are soo busy looking at your [insert body part here], that they don’t see your smile or that your face shine of bliss. You don’t even feel like screaming at the worst ones.

Okay something felt a little off, you told her on your second date, the day after your first date,  your coming out story and how you were able to handle the world and then were only met with silence and a stare when you waited for her coming out story.

And then she said “uhm, I am not really out to anyone important yet”

She is really amazing, smart, funny and talented in her own way. I mean so much that you halfway made room for her things in your nest, last night while you talked on the phone.

But then there is doubt.

Can you really handle to date someone who has made a life in the closet, when you have fought long and hard to get out of it yourself?

Does it really mean that you have to go through all your things and pack them down.

No more She+She tee’s. No more “gay” bracelets or earrings and begin to panic about if you really got any clothes that does not in one way or another say “gay” about you??

Is my blue jeans and white v-neck t-shirt too gay for everyday use if we just need to go down to the local cafe?


Some years ago this happened to me and I got to think about it again, when I called a friend to wish her a happy new year and in great details told her about my very crappy New Years eve because I had to urgently work, and then ended up with some people from the profession to celebrate a little bit with.

She of course had an amazing night at the place that I should have celebrated at and where she then ended up with someone who is now supposed to be the love of her life. Well, with the exception that her newfound love is closeted and Iranian (not that being an Iranian is bad), so her family will not, or might have a harder time accepting that she is gay compared to the rest of the world.

How do you handle dating someone closeted?

Are you supporting, can you wait for her without pressuring her to come out faster that she would be comfortable with?

Me? Well, I am absolutely the worst person in the world.

I am horrible, horrible, horrible when it comes to emotional and personal support to someone who is so deep in the closet that she decorated it with puff chairs and painted the closet walls in soothing colors.

I get panic attacks.

I tend to over complicate things and simply try out of the good of it, to be more in the closet myself and will get a rotating neck just for her, while I am on the look for someone she might know when we go out.

And at the same time I will also feel that I am going to explode in frustrations because she is not getting out fast enough.

Guess it is the u-haul person in me who want her to be everything with me, and that I know that she can’t be that person as long as she is not getting out.

So yes, I am just the crazy selfish person who will be supportive until I explode in frustrations and simply leave her, because I am so afraid of getting pulled back into the closet when I had to fight with so many (myself included) to really feel free of it myself.


3 thoughts on “If she is in the closet, then you are in the closet. Or are you?

  1. When I dated someone in the closet I was careful about wat I did. I was still my normal crazy self and still looked at her the same and treated her the same. But I didn’t get to lovey dovey in public or anything. The whole time I was there for her and helped her come out. I let her know I was willing to wait and stay by her side.

  2. It’s funny.
    My ex was super closeted. No one knew except maybe 5-10 of her close friends. I only knew like 3 of them so it was a very tiny and select group of ppl we could be ourselves around. It was painful having to be referred to as her “friend” no matter how much I knew otherwise. I could hold her hand in public only sometimes and it was terrible having to actively think about that. Or if someone might be watching who knew her and would tell her parents.

    Now, I’m seeing someone new and she’s more out than I am and it’s like the roles are reversed. I’m not in the closet by any means but there are some people I definitely leave out some facts for or don’t readily correct. When she and I are in public and she wants to kiss me I feel like a terrible person for not wanting her to in view of everyone. It’s awful and I hate it! I hate that she asked if she could kiss me and I answered with “I’d prefer if you waited til we weren’t here” because we were inside at a bar. HATE it. I wish I could take it back but I can’t. And honestly.. I partly answered that way bc I knew she’d been drinking and I didn’t want it to be a in-the-moment kiss if she wasn’t really feeling that way.

    But I really like her and I don’t want this to be an issue so we’ll see. I’ll have to be more mindful I guess. :/

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