Just musings from the past.

Do you know that?

The first day that you stand infront of the bathroom mirror and say the word.

Or try to say it.

“I am G..”,

Shake your head, fingers are edgy and you mess up your hair until finally you look back into the mirror and look into your own eyes.

“I am Gay,” you whisper to yourself.

You stare for a while and look at yourself in the mirror.

“I am Gay”, you say with a higher and stronger voice.

“I am Les-“, you then try to say, but stop yourself in completing it.

“Wait! Am I really?”,

“But I just want to be like everyone else!”,

Maybe around this time you freak out and try to convince yourself that “no, you aren’t really a les – eh gay person”, and even after than mindbloving kiss, that felt like your feet lost touch with the ground, then you run out to find someone to confirm, that no, you are not that person that you just saw in the mirror. You are not her.

So you run out and jump on anyone that you like just even a little.

And for a while you might even feel happy on the outside.

But eventually you are back infront of the bathroom mirror, looking for that feeling that they couldn’t give you, no matter how much you tried.

You kept thinking of that kiss, that first touch.

“I am Gay”,

“I am a Lesbian”, you finally say to yourself.


And you feel scared, nervous. Nervous but also happy.

The butterflies are back

That word, you are part of it, it defines you.


That is who you are.

The first gay person that you met was not the one who gave you that stunning kiss, those butterflies, or that look on the street when you passed her.

The first gay person, you realise. It was yourself and she has always been inside of you, just waiting to acknowledge her, and now she is coming out to you.


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