Ugh. I want to touch on something controversial – namely the extent to which if it is a personal choice to be gay.
It can be difficult to explain to those of my lesbian friends and especially my amazing and beloved who in a period of her life wished to fit in (the famous young teenage years), and where they wished they had been ordinary heterosexual adolescents.
I had my first lesbian experience after a failed heterosexual relationship and countless trivial straight one nighters, thought it was time to try something new and daring. I was in my 20’s, if I remember it correctly, and was roaming the roads with my favorite gay, let’s call him M., where I uttered the oh so memorable words, “Tonight I’ll score a girl.”
I am privileged because I had a set of friends who are almost the exact opposite of conservative. I remember that my best friend at that time asked me – in the middle of one of my inconsolable weeping sessions at the age of 16 and (almost) never been kissed – that maybe I might just be lesbian?
At the time I laughed about it, mockingly, because how could my best friend, my soul mate and daughter of a well known pastor believe that about me! I can’t be a Lesbian?? “I’m going to be a Doctor, so I can’t be a lesbian” was my reason. My mom decided or wanted, that I should become a Doctor like her and at 16 I was not going to cross my mom on something this important, so it would take me a few more years to finally cross my mom on what I should be studying. But since that day I have been thinking how spacious it actually was of her, my best friend at the time. She only wanted to signal that it would be okay if I was gay, and there would be room in her for me no matter what I turned out to like.
Well. But back to the street, that autumn night . With numerous gay friends it was obvious to also explore that side of me and it didn’t seem to be that kind of a strange thing to try out. So then when I met one of M.’s peripheral acquaintances, a woman who oddly enough was in town on exactly the same mission. She was nice and sweet – albeit young, 18 years old and thighs thin as chopsticks, so it did not last long before there were both kisses and fumbling from both of us. I went home alone that night, but still remember the feelings in my body when I woke up in the morning where I was one big :
“Why did I not think of that before? ”
It felt so right. As if I had finally allowed myself to follow my desires. From there it did not take long before I had created a profile on “OHLALALALAH”.com, and went out on a few dates, some more successful than others .
I remember my first trip to Carrefour after that amazing evening. Thinking “Omg!? Am I standing closer to this hottie than I would have before last night”, “I am staring at her body. Quickly look away!!” and “Did I really stare openly at…”. I was simply on a rainbow colored cloud packed with unicorns and didn’t know how to get off.
For me it was very much a choice to be gay. This led to a lot of uncertainty in the beginning – because the choice was heavy on my shoulders and not something that I could share with my parents or siblings. But after going through a few years of steady relationships with a gorgeous woman, then nothing could be farther away from my mind than to be with a man and even when I am single, I have no remote desire to have sex with a man. None at all, really.
Even though it initially was a choice , the excitement it aroused in me to touch my (new) girlfriend’s body, can in no way be described as a choice. It is a primal desire that I have never experienced with a man.
So was it a choice or not? Well, there will probably be more posts about this topic in the future.